Saturday, 7 December 2013

Just when you think you are in Hell..

You find there are more layers to it.
I am starting to think that Dante had it right. There really are nine depths of hell, not including the gate of hell and the dark wood. I have dreams just like everyone else, some a little more out there then they should. However, since I was at the tender age of nine I have only had one dream and that was to leave this simple po'dunk town and never look back.
I have actually been successful a couple of times, however this last attempt was not something I like to think about.
I managed to live out of this town of almost ten years and I have to say those had been the BEST nine years of my entire life. I actually felt as though I could give this hell forsaken state, California, the approval it has been so desperately trying to get from me since I was dragged here by hair from the sweet state of Texas.
Then out of the blue, due to an unforeseeable accident things came crashing down upon me. I am not happy that we are here in this hell hole I like to refer to as the ninth layer of hell. The place were no one cares about the needs of their handicap brother or sisters unless it happens to coincide with a need of there own. A town that is just like high school and never grows up, just keeps on with  juvenile gossip and cares.
I am also going to another country in a couple of days, this is another dream of mine. However, this whole trip is overshadowed by the fact that I will have to return to this place.
As I have said before and I will say until I no longer have to step foot back here, I would rather be tied to a post then burned  alive then EVER return.
I almost don't feel as though I wanna go. I would rather continue my search for a job in Washington, and move. I'd rather spend two weeks in hotel in the chosen state while pounding the pavement in order to secure the need of getting out of this place.
I am afraid that when we return I will be stuck here. I feel myself loose the simple spring in my step and the ever smile on my face. I do anything and almost everything I can to get out of this house. I schedule myself to be out of town as much as possible. I really wish there was something that I could do.
On my birthday a few days ago I cried my eyes out. I NEVER wanted to spend another birthday here. Most of my birthdays have  been horrible, starting from them never taking place or that they were just down right miserable. I felt as though the world was going to crash around me, and all of me wanted it to.
There has not a day since I was told that we were going to say here for a while that I don't think about what life would be like if I just bow out.
I am suddenly short tempered and constantly putting down whatever I possible can when I can. I even went as far as going to a movie out of town just so I could get out for a while. The more I do though the more heavy I feel, and the more I want to just stay in bed until I do actually fade away.
I don't understand what we did to end up in a place that has always made me miserable and no my husband. I was working on my bachelor's degree and my husband was at the top of his game. We had been so happy, about to buy a house and now we are reduced to nothing. All because of a man who decided not to wait his turn at a stop light and never stopped to see if my husband was alright. So now what?
How do I fix this? How do I keep my promise to myself and get out of here by the end of January? I have prayed almost ever second that passes that Washington isn't one of the other 48 states that hates California and someone gives me a chance. I am so desperate I am going to be applying at McDonald's and whatever else will take my app online. Until then I hope this hanging cloud over my head leaves the same day I do!